I did everything I was supposed to do. I studied and made good grades. I went to university. I got a degree. I started my career. I began a retirement plan. I bought my dream vehicle. I was twenty five years old and (besides the whole marriage and kids thing) I was doing exactly what had always been expected of me. Living that American dream. But none of it was fulfilling me. I felt like I was losing who I was and that I wasn’t living up to my potential or purpose in life. So after three years of working in the real world… I sold everything and moved to England to work with Youth for Christ.
In the beginning, I felt utterly free. Quitting my job, selling my jeep, and packing my life into three bags felt like cutting cords tied to weights that were holding me down. I flew away from all the expectations that never satisfied me. I was so excited about not getting paychecks or having bills. I was excited to live off public transportation. And it was incredible for the first month or two. I felt alive for the first time in years.
But then the pressures of society started creeping back into my brain. I felt “adulthood” calling to me from the other side of the ocean. It kept getting louder and louder until it began to overwhelm me. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression at various times over the last seven years and I began to feel it coming back in full force. My brain (which is always overthinking everything anyways) went into overdrive. I couldn’t control the feeling that maybe I was ruining my life. I had almost no money, no job, and no real plans for the future.
My heart, however, remained content. Every time my brain started panicking and wanted to quit… my heart refused to let go of this life. The thought of leaving the youth at my church and my new friends was too painful to imagine actually going home. I was absolutely in love with England and all the people I’ve met here. I was also growing in my relationship with God like crazy!
So then I realized I had to choose one… my head or my heart.
I got out my Bible and asked God to show me what He wanted from me. I started searching for passages about the heart and the mind. I also went back and looked at verses that had inspired me to become a missionary in the first place. These are the words He shared with me:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
Proverbs 4:23
Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions, is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.
1 John 2:15-17
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:2
Here is what I heard God say to me through those verses:
“Dear one, your heart is what I am after. Your heart is where I live. Everything important will live there too. It’s okay that your mind is having trouble adjusting. I am testing it and strengthening it through the struggle. Don’t go back to the world. Stay with me. Give me your heart. Take my hand through this journey and I promise I will show you your purpose.”
Tomorrow, I will have officially lived in England for six months. It certainly hasn’t been easy… but it has been worth every single minute of the struggle. I am becoming a stronger person that I ever thought I could be. I am seeing God work in incredible ways. I wouldn’t change this experience for the world. I’m not going to let my mind doubt what my heart knows is right.
Choose the heart. Always the heart.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
JESSICA DAVIS
McDonough, GA | 25
PROJECT: Eaglescliffe
Jess graduated Gordon State with degrees in early childhood education and special education in 2012. After three years of teaching elementary school, she felt God calling her to use her Anglophilia for His glory. She loves young people, books, tea, and science fiction.
